I laid in bed overwhelmed with a slew of social media onslaught and threw the phone to the ground. Honestly, I went to take a nap at 2 in the afternoon. The thought of continuing the day without one wasn’t a feasible option after staring at a screen all day.
But it got interesting here. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sleep. I laid there with my eyes closed and took a mental note from the transcendental meditation message David Lynch is always on about. If you don't know David Lynch, he's a prolific film director who swears by this meditation technique. Check out his work and start with his first feature film he made in college - Eraserhead. It’s a trip.
I drifted lower, below the surface. Below the incessant waves that reverberate non-stop in our everyday lives. Below the thoughts of “I gotta do this, I gotta do that, I gotta get here, I wish I was better” you know, those.
And the deeper I got the more it was illuminated that there’s a deep internal truth within all of us that sits in a place of nothingness. It’s in the depths of our subconscious or perhaps in the depths of the spiritual realm that can’t be reached with effort and struggle but rather with an allowing. Allowing yourself to drift into this unknown. Which could be frightening for some, because there’s nothing to grasp onto. No reality, no physical tangible objects of your imagination that you can latch onto and divert your thinking to. There’s nothing. And it may only be for a brief second, but that nothingness is really there.
And here’s the exciting part. It’s actually in this nothingness that those deeper truthful messages can be transmitted to, and received, by you. Now I know the scientists out there are shaking their heads in disbelief and screaming that’s your subconscious! But what if it wasn’t? What if these messages are being sent by something beyond your 4 dimensional universe in which you live? Here’s what I would say: Prove they aren’t.
After sitting in that nothingness I received a clue that I had spent the time I needed in there. Because immediately I was overwhelmed with an inner truth speaking through me. My medium of receiving this internal truth is typically through images, however, this time it was through words. The words came together and formulated sentences and the result put together was this message I'm attempting to relay in this post. The quest for internal truth is profoundly important.
I received the words, never reaching for them, and they poured out of me. If I tried to correct an incorrect word in a sentence, the words and sentences would pour forward giving me no time for criticism. I gave in and allowed them to come. I was meditating on internal truth and the words were given to me.
The challenging aspect about it all is now transmitting them to this paper without a middle-man and without losing that inner truth that was coming through.
I have to expand on this realization about my own life. It was, and still can be, fraught with ego. Fraught with seeing what others are doing and how they’re living their lives, especially through social media.
I used to think that my entire life would be about playing characters. About acting and performing. And the older I get, the more I question that. I question whether that was just a massive ego trip that I was riding to get attention, to get validation, or whether it was coming from an internal truth that allows the characters I play to be heard and seen by the world, so that the world can take something away from them. What exactly that is, I’m afraid to ask myself, because the world needs good right now and I can’t bear the weight of meaninglessness.
I bring this up because I sat there and asked myself what makes me the most happy. Where does my internal truth lie, and where does it point, and what does it have to offer the world. The response that I received from my internal gut feeling was that of speaking through words. Words on paper make me thrive because I can actually lay out what I’m thinking and what I want the world to know. Where that gets me I’ll never know, but at least there’s an outlet for this internal truth to speak through.
All of this to say, in my experience it's important to do that internal research. It’s so easy to get caught up in what people are doing. Everywhere. At all times. Make it a plan to dedicate time to yourself and your internal truth, because everyone’s messages will be different, but at least they will come from a place of truth instead of ego.
In my writing, I want the world to heal. Whether that be through personal stories, my own experiences, my thoughts, whatever, I want the world to be a better place because of them.